Anatoly Vorobey (avva) wrote,
Anatoly Vorobey
avva

немного юмора, реальные истории (англ.)

Из нескольких последних номеров Harper's Magazine. Всё по-английски.

  • Flushing Nemo

    The following phone conversations took place last summer. Roto-Rooter has received more than ninety such calls since the release of the animated film Finding Nemo, in which a pet fish reaches the ocean after being flushed down a drain.

    ROTO-ROOTER: Good morning. This is Margie. I can help you.

    CUSTOMER: Um, hi, how are you?

    ROTO-ROOTER: Oh fine, thank you. How are you doing?

    CUSTOMER: Well, we had a little incident this morning.

    ROTO-ROOTER: Oh no. What's wrong?

    CUSTOMER: Well, my daughter flushed her fish down the toilet, and she's crying because I told her that it's gone and not coming back.

    ROTO-ROOTER: Oh, how sad.

    CUSTOMER: You can't do anything, can you?

    ROTO-ROOTER: Um, no, I think it's gone.

    CUSTOMER: Yeah, I know. I told my daughter I would call to check to make her feel better.

    ROTO-ROOTER: Oh, I'm sorry. Why did she flush the fish down the toilet?

    CUSTOMER: I think she thought she was setting him free. We went and saw Finding Nemo the other day.

    ROTO-ROOTER: Oh, I haven't seen it. Is it good?

    CUSTOMER: Yeah, it was fun for the kids.

    ROTO-ROOTER: That's what I heard. I have been trying to take mine to go see it.

    CUSTOMER: Oh, you should, they really loved it.

    ROTO-ROOTER: Okay, well, is there anything else I can do for you?

    CUSTOMER: No, that's it.

    ROTO-ROOTER: Okay, well thank you for calling Roto-Rooter, and I am sorry about your fish.

  • Be They Men or Women, Bring Me Warriors

    The following slogans were submitted to the United States Air Force Academy last August. The school solicited suggestions to replace one of its mottoes, "Bring Me Men," which was deemed inappropriate last March, following the discovery that rape and sexual harassment of female cadets were endemic at the institution.

    Adapt or Perish

    Against All Enemies, Foreign and Domestic

    Air Force, No One Comes Close

    Attitude Determines Altitude

    Be They Men or Women, Bring Me Warriors

    Bring Me Airman

    Bring Me Free People

    Bring Me Men and Women

    Bring Me Your Finest and Best, Who I Can Shape into America's Finest Warrior Leaders with Boundless Intellect, Integrity, Honor, and Character

    Bring Me Youth

    Bring Us Humanitarians

    Bring Us Your Best and We Will Do the Rest

    Choose the Right

    Courage, Candor, and Competence

    Cross into the Blue

    Days of Youth and Inexperience into Warriors

    Dominators of Air, Space, and Information

    Fight's On

    Fit to Fight

    Freedom Isn't Free

    Freedom, Let's Roll

    Gateway to Cadet Heaven

    Global Air and Space Power

    Go Air Force

    Grasp Them, Feel Them, Learn Them, Be Them, Our Future Leaders

    Great Minds Discuss Ideas

    I Am an American

    I Believe I Can Fly

    If We Should Have to Fight, We Should Be Prepared to Do So from the Neck Up Instead of from the Neck Down

    If You Come, We Will Develop the Leadership in You and You Will Shine

    Journey Future Conquering the Challenges and Maximizing My Fullest Potential on "Destiny Way"

    Keep 'Em Flying

    Kiss My Afterburners

    Kiss My Thrust

    Let's Roll

    Match My Mountains

    Never Repeat the Past

    No Fear Here

    Off We Go

    Oh, I Have Slipped

    Our Workplace Is Air and Space

    Patriotism, Bombs Bursting in Air, Rockets Red Glare

    Put the Honor Code Up There

    Reach for the Airmen's Skies

    Sunward I've Climbed, and Joined the Tumbling Mirth of Sun-Split Clouds

    The Air Force Kicks Sky

    The Air Force: There's No Business Like It!

    The Blue Zoo

    The Road to Dreamality

    The Word "American" Ends in "I Can"

    To Conquer at All Cost

    Today "The Same," Tomorrow "The Change"

    Total Force Leadership

    Up, Up, The Long Delirious Burning Blue

    We Need You in Air

    We Own the Air

    We Own the Sky



    Without Desire, the Mind Ceases to Exist

    World's Best Air Force

    You Are Remembered for the Rules You Break

    Your Mission Is to Fly and Fight and Don't You Ever Forget It


  • Don't scare the shrimp

    From a sign written in English and posted in Shanghai public parks by the Shanghai Green Administration Bureau last fall.

    Pursuant to the "Regulations of Shanghai Municipality on Administration of Public Parks," visitors are advised to observe the following:

    1. Ethic and moral codes should be duly honored. Visitors are expected not to urinate or shit, post ads, and write or carve around the park. Exposing one's top, lying about, washing and airing clothes, and scavenging are unallowable. Climbing artificial hills is objectionable. Ball games and kite-flying are impermissible.

    2. Visitors should not tear at flowers or plants, dig up fruits or seeds, and collect soil.

    3. The visitor to the park should discipline himself instead of making himself a nuisance to others. Public speech, public meeting, or fund-raising of any nature is inexpedient. Activities of a feudalistic and suspicious nature are prohibited. Activities of a business nature, including peddling about, practicing medicine, or distributing propaganda sheets, are not allowed.

    4. Visitors are not supposed to tease, scare, or capture cricket, shrimp, or cicada. No animal is allowed to enter the park unless permitted.

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