I would like to apologize on behalf of my species for making fun of you. Please understand that not all of my people view you in the ridiculous light in which you are portrayed on most TV specials and in most news articles. Contrary to what you may believe, many of my kind take you quite seriously. We have enormous respect for your flightless ancestry and your place in this world.
In the interest of addressing some of the gravest offenses to your sensibilities, I'd like to start by saying that we realize that you are not actually wearing tuxedos. We don't quite understand the evolutionary purpose of your black-and-white color scheme, so we have simply said that you wear tuxedos to be funny. [...]
I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so closed-minded. Did your pathetic little gestures of misdirected revenge make you feel better this summer? What usually makes me feel better after a long day at work is a Jack Daniel's and a BMWful of extremely hot women. But whatever floats your boat.
Whatever floats your tiny, tiny, shriveled little boat.